Partying Pontiff Fights Evil

Catholics around the world are scratching their heads today after hearing this weeks surprising news from the Vatican. "I don't know what to make of this," said one devote follower, "this really shakes my beliefs." Earlier this week Pope Benedict XVI, through the Vatican's marketing relations department, announced the church's new plan of attack against what the pontiff describes as "an increaseing state of evil that is threatening the very foundation of our religion." In a play reminiscent of Jesus Christ's sacrifice of his mortal body for mankind's sins, Pope Benedict's aging body will be the key weapon in this renewed fight against evil. "The Pope obviously can't be in more than one place at once," said Vatican Vice President of Marketing Cardinal Paulo Delgado, "so we commissioned a series of photo shoots that we will be compiling into our newest symbol of holiness. We call it The Pope Calendar" Scheduled for release in 2007, The Pope Calendar will portray revealing photographs of the Pope that were taken at his country residence, Castle Gandolfo, which is outside Rome. The calendar, said to be quite risque, has many Catholics wondering if it signals a shift in the Church's stance against pornography. "Let me be perfectly clear," said one local clergyman, "only the Pope, in his capacity as the embodiment of God has the authority to reveal himself in this manner." When asked why he agreed to create the calendar, the 79-year-old successor to Pope John Paul II stated that evil cannot resist his holy body and that a single glimps will instantly convert any evil to good. Vatican Director of Sales, Bishop Conrad von Kleigen shared his excitement about the new plan with a group of gathering clergy on Friday. "This calendar is a great upgrade for those who are currently relying on the protection of any of our Cross line of products. Its new features should allow us a greater market penetration than we have ever had in the past." So what's next for the partying pontiff? Pope Benedict XVI, showing the breadth of his talents, is producing and directing a straight to video film set for release in 2008. Details of the film have not been released, but sources close to the Pope have revealed the working title to be "Holy Fathers Gone Wild".