Partying Pontiff Fights Evil

Catholics around the world are scratching their heads today after hearing this weeks surprising news from the Vatican. "I don't know what to make of this," said one devote follower, "this really shakes my beliefs." Earlier this week Pope Benedict XVI, through the Vatican's marketing relations department, announced the church's new plan of attack against what the pontiff describes as "an increaseing state of evil that is threatening the very foundation of our religion." In a play reminiscent of Jesus Christ's sacrifice of his mortal body for mankind's sins, Pope Benedict's aging body will be the key weapon in this renewed fight against evil. "The Pope obviously can't be in more than one place at once," said Vatican Vice President of Marketing Cardinal Paulo Delgado, "so we commissioned a series of photo shoots that we will be compiling into our newest symbol of holiness. We call it The Pope Calendar" Scheduled for release in 2007, The Pope Calendar will portray revealing photographs of the Pope that were taken at his country residence, Castle Gandolfo, which is outside Rome. The calendar, said to be quite risque, has many Catholics wondering if it signals a shift in the Church's stance against pornography. "Let me be perfectly clear," said one local clergyman, "only the Pope, in his capacity as the embodiment of God has the authority to reveal himself in this manner." When asked why he agreed to create the calendar, the 79-year-old successor to Pope John Paul II stated that evil cannot resist his holy body and that a single glimps will instantly convert any evil to good. Vatican Director of Sales, Bishop Conrad von Kleigen shared his excitement about the new plan with a group of gathering clergy on Friday. "This calendar is a great upgrade for those who are currently relying on the protection of any of our Cross line of products. Its new features should allow us a greater market penetration than we have ever had in the past." So what's next for the partying pontiff? Pope Benedict XVI, showing the breadth of his talents, is producing and directing a straight to video film set for release in 2008. Details of the film have not been released, but sources close to the Pope have revealed the working title to be "Holy Fathers Gone Wild".

Kool-Aid Man Indicted!

The tension surrounding the case of The United States v. Kool-Aid Man was relieved today as a 12-member grand jury handed down it's finding. Kool-Aid Man has been indicted on 16 charges ranging from reckless endangerment to involuntary manslaughter. District Court Judge Alan Byers had instructed jury members to disregard the more than one hundred failed indictments that Kool-Aid Man had side-stepped in the past and to concentrate entirely on the information presented by the prosecution in this case. The latest charges stem from a bloody prison break earlier this year when Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall of the maximum security prison in Marion, Illinois. Sixty-three of the nation's most dangerous criminals were allowed to escape and three of the prisons guards were killed in the standoff that ensued. Kool-Aid Man has continually maintained his innocence, stating that he believed the wall he was smashing through was that of a local school. Prosecutor Jane Stanley disagrees. "Kool-Aid Man has consistently displayed a lack of regard for those around him, often placing them in grave danger and at the very least destroying their property," stated Stanley, "This has to end now." The prosecutions arguments did not fall on deaf ears and Kool-Aid Man will answer dearly for his crimes if convicted.

This indictment, just on the heels of that of Hawaiian Punch spokesperson, Punchy, who was recently indicted on racketeering and assault charges, could signal that a new precedent is being set in the case of violent refreshments. "I think I speak for a great many American's when I say that we are tired of our tasty refreshments pushing us around and pressuring us into doing what they want," said Senator John McCain (R-AZ) upon hearing the verdict, "The reign of threatening refreshments is over." Others are not so enthusiastic. Clowns on Fire had the chance to sit down with Betty Crocker to hear her take on the situation. "Why on Earth people think this was a good decision is beyond me. It's going to start a witch hunt, just you wait and see," declared Crocker, "How long will it be before Little Debbie is burned at the stake or Captain Crunch is court martialed?" How long indeed? Rest assured that when Little Debbie is thrust upon the stake, and that bonfire is lit, Clowns on Fire will be there to fan the flames.

Coalition of Forgotten Television Stars Fights Terrorism

In an unprecedented move that is sure to ruffle the feathers of the elite Hollywood establishment, a small group of once forgotten television stars have taken on a key role in this nations fight against terrorism. Led by the Catholic powerhouse, Father Frank Dowling of Father Dowling Mysteries fame, the team includes Dowlings right-hand "man", Sister Stephanie 'Steve' Oskowski, technical genius MacGyver, and southern criminal defense attorney, Benjamin Matlock.

At first glance, this certainly doesn't seem like the group of hardcore terrorist hunters that Americans want to see. But monitoring the interaction of the team members with each other and looking at the specific skill set that each contributes, it becomes obvious very quickly that these are just the individuals we need to win this war on terrorism. In the three months that this elite task force has been in operation Dowling, with the aid of Sister Steve, has uncovered six unique plots to destroy Chicago and has brought those terrorist to justice, often against the will of local law enforcement. If that isn't impressive enough on its own, it should also be known he has yet to miss a Mass or baptismal ceremony. MacGyver, on loan from the venerable Phoenix Foundation, has successfully disarmed weapons of mass destruction planted deep within the New York subway system using only a quarter, a spool of yarn, and his own urine. Matlock, that legal juggernaut that is so loved and respected by millions, has setup shop temporarily at the US Navy base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Using his legal and investigative brilliance he has been successfully defending many of the innocent prisoners, freeing them and, if it can be believed, actually replacing each with a real terrorist at the rate of one per hour. Soon Guantanamo Bay will be filled to capacity with real terrorists that can provide our nation's intelligence services with an abundance of information.

Clowns on Fire caught up to the group at their secret command center just outside of Atlanta. "We're just trying to help out as best we can and save those who are doing wrong," said Father Dowling as he was busily packing a suitcase as the team prepares for a week-long incursion into Iraq where they hope to uncover a secret cache of weapons of mass destruction. "Oh, I'm gonna pop those scoundrels right in the nose if I find out they were lying to us," the street-wise Sister Steve explained. The ever modest MacGyver had this to say about his recent retrieval of the space shuttle Discovery which was stolen by terrorist just days after its gut-wrenching return from space: "It was nothing really. I was just in the right place at the right time and happened to have the equipment available to me to take out the terrorists and transport the shuttle back to The Kennedy Space Center. The real hero here was my good friend Jack Dalton who flew the shuttle back home on the back of his Douglas DC-3, with the help of a little ingenuity." The ingenuity that MacGyver so calmly describes is actually a set of turbojet engines built from rubber bands and pencils that provided the ancient DC-3 with enough lift capacity to make the journey.

Clowns on Fire was unable to speak with Mr. Matlock as he was arguing yet another case at the time of our interview. It is safe to conclude that yet another real terrorist will be captured within the hour and brought to justice while freedom will be harshly thrust upon a confused, innocent man.

And what of Hollywood's reaction? It's too soon to tell for certain, but the rumors have started and there are hushed whispers of a pro-terrorists movement led by the devious Alec Baldwin. If there is any truth at all to this despicable rumor, then Baldwin and his cronies may one day face the wrath of the Dowling led anti-terrorists coalition. What lies in store can only be speculated at this time, but when the news breaks, Clowns on Fire will be there to fan the flames.

A Fictional Interview with the President of the United States

The news of the nomination of Harriet Miers, a woman with no judiciary experience at all, to the Supreme Court of these United States has really gotten my funny level up. I wrote this fictional interview completely in jest. I have nothing but respect for the office of the President, but respect has never stopped humor.... read and enjoy.



Mr. President, you have nominated Harriet Miers to fill the US Supreme Court vacancy left by the retirement of Justice O’Connor. Would you like to elaborate on that decision please?

Yes, I would like to take this opportunity to assure all Americans that my decision to nominate Harriet to the nation’s highest court was not taken lightly. My staff and I worked around the clock, while we were not looking for weapons of mass destruction of course, looking for just the right nominee. I feel that my decision is a good one and we are going to work with Congress to make this happen.

Now, there have been rumors that you only gave the nomination to Mrs. Miers because she had baked a delicious apple pie for you last week. Is there any truth to this allegation?

Whoa there partner, you’re trying to get me all caught up in your clever web of words. I would just like to say that we are doing everything we can to help the victims of the dastardly terrorist attacks in New Orleans.

Mr. President, my question was pertaining to Mrs. Miers and her apple pie, and as far as Hurricane Katrina is concerned, I don’t think we can really label that as a terrorist attack.

Be that as it may, that was the best apple pie I’ve ever had. If people want to go around saying things I don’t understand, well, that’s their right to do so. The victims of Katrina will get their justice.

So you are saying that Mrs. Miers is your nominee for the Supreme Court because of her apple pie?

That’s just not the truth and people who say it is are just mean spirited and probably upset because they didn’t get the nomination. I chose Harriet because of her long-standing commitment to the United States and the freedom for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible…

And justice for all?

Not in my White House bubba.

I see, you brought up Hurricane Katrina and the federal government response to that disaster….

Now hold on, let’s get one thing straight. We don’t know who is responsible for these attacks yet, but I will personally track them down and show them how the good ol’ US of A deals with terrorists and those who harbor terrorists.

Mr. President, I’m not sure what your advisors have been telling you, but the general consensus is that Katrina was, in fact, just a horrible natural disaster. And of course we can’t forget Rita.

Katrina, Rita… all these names get me confused. We’re prepared to go to the United Nations on Monday and make our intelligence known.

I don’t see how your advisors can possibly think it a good idea to make your intelligence known. And I’m almost afraid to ask what intelligence you are referring to.

We will rebuild New Orleans. We’ll show all the evil people in the world that we will not cower to them.

Forgetting for the moment that I have no idea what you are talking about, I feel compelled to mention that it was not just New Orleans that was devastated by these hurricanes, but indeed much of the southern coast between Texas and Florida felt the affects as well.

Well last I checked New Orleans is where Mardi Gras is held. We’re very confident in our intelligence on that matter.

I see. Thank you for your time today Mr. President.

It’s been great, having this opportunity to speak with the people. Thank you very much. Oh, and stop by anytime for apple pie, I have a feeling I’m gonna have more than I can eat myself.

This has been an exclusive one-on-one interview with the President of the United States.