Coalition of Forgotten Television Stars Fights Terrorism

In an unprecedented move that is sure to ruffle the feathers of the elite Hollywood establishment, a small group of once forgotten television stars have taken on a key role in this nations fight against terrorism. Led by the Catholic powerhouse, Father Frank Dowling of Father Dowling Mysteries fame, the team includes Dowlings right-hand "man", Sister Stephanie 'Steve' Oskowski, technical genius MacGyver, and southern criminal defense attorney, Benjamin Matlock.

At first glance, this certainly doesn't seem like the group of hardcore terrorist hunters that Americans want to see. But monitoring the interaction of the team members with each other and looking at the specific skill set that each contributes, it becomes obvious very quickly that these are just the individuals we need to win this war on terrorism. In the three months that this elite task force has been in operation Dowling, with the aid of Sister Steve, has uncovered six unique plots to destroy Chicago and has brought those terrorist to justice, often against the will of local law enforcement. If that isn't impressive enough on its own, it should also be known he has yet to miss a Mass or baptismal ceremony. MacGyver, on loan from the venerable Phoenix Foundation, has successfully disarmed weapons of mass destruction planted deep within the New York subway system using only a quarter, a spool of yarn, and his own urine. Matlock, that legal juggernaut that is so loved and respected by millions, has setup shop temporarily at the US Navy base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Using his legal and investigative brilliance he has been successfully defending many of the innocent prisoners, freeing them and, if it can be believed, actually replacing each with a real terrorist at the rate of one per hour. Soon Guantanamo Bay will be filled to capacity with real terrorists that can provide our nation's intelligence services with an abundance of information.

Clowns on Fire caught up to the group at their secret command center just outside of Atlanta. "We're just trying to help out as best we can and save those who are doing wrong," said Father Dowling as he was busily packing a suitcase as the team prepares for a week-long incursion into Iraq where they hope to uncover a secret cache of weapons of mass destruction. "Oh, I'm gonna pop those scoundrels right in the nose if I find out they were lying to us," the street-wise Sister Steve explained. The ever modest MacGyver had this to say about his recent retrieval of the space shuttle Discovery which was stolen by terrorist just days after its gut-wrenching return from space: "It was nothing really. I was just in the right place at the right time and happened to have the equipment available to me to take out the terrorists and transport the shuttle back to The Kennedy Space Center. The real hero here was my good friend Jack Dalton who flew the shuttle back home on the back of his Douglas DC-3, with the help of a little ingenuity." The ingenuity that MacGyver so calmly describes is actually a set of turbojet engines built from rubber bands and pencils that provided the ancient DC-3 with enough lift capacity to make the journey.

Clowns on Fire was unable to speak with Mr. Matlock as he was arguing yet another case at the time of our interview. It is safe to conclude that yet another real terrorist will be captured within the hour and brought to justice while freedom will be harshly thrust upon a confused, innocent man.

And what of Hollywood's reaction? It's too soon to tell for certain, but the rumors have started and there are hushed whispers of a pro-terrorists movement led by the devious Alec Baldwin. If there is any truth at all to this despicable rumor, then Baldwin and his cronies may one day face the wrath of the Dowling led anti-terrorists coalition. What lies in store can only be speculated at this time, but when the news breaks, Clowns on Fire will be there to fan the flames.