Kool-Aid Man Indicted!

The tension surrounding the case of The United States v. Kool-Aid Man was relieved today as a 12-member grand jury handed down it's finding. Kool-Aid Man has been indicted on 16 charges ranging from reckless endangerment to involuntary manslaughter. District Court Judge Alan Byers had instructed jury members to disregard the more than one hundred failed indictments that Kool-Aid Man had side-stepped in the past and to concentrate entirely on the information presented by the prosecution in this case. The latest charges stem from a bloody prison break earlier this year when Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall of the maximum security prison in Marion, Illinois. Sixty-three of the nation's most dangerous criminals were allowed to escape and three of the prisons guards were killed in the standoff that ensued. Kool-Aid Man has continually maintained his innocence, stating that he believed the wall he was smashing through was that of a local school. Prosecutor Jane Stanley disagrees. "Kool-Aid Man has consistently displayed a lack of regard for those around him, often placing them in grave danger and at the very least destroying their property," stated Stanley, "This has to end now." The prosecutions arguments did not fall on deaf ears and Kool-Aid Man will answer dearly for his crimes if convicted.

This indictment, just on the heels of that of Hawaiian Punch spokesperson, Punchy, who was recently indicted on racketeering and assault charges, could signal that a new precedent is being set in the case of violent refreshments. "I think I speak for a great many American's when I say that we are tired of our tasty refreshments pushing us around and pressuring us into doing what they want," said Senator John McCain (R-AZ) upon hearing the verdict, "The reign of threatening refreshments is over." Others are not so enthusiastic. Clowns on Fire had the chance to sit down with Betty Crocker to hear her take on the situation. "Why on Earth people think this was a good decision is beyond me. It's going to start a witch hunt, just you wait and see," declared Crocker, "How long will it be before Little Debbie is burned at the stake or Captain Crunch is court martialed?" How long indeed? Rest assured that when Little Debbie is thrust upon the stake, and that bonfire is lit, Clowns on Fire will be there to fan the flames.